8 July 2008
Differences…(My Whole Life has Changed)
Posted by
Shieka
under:
HERstory .
I remember when we made “Differences” by Ginuwine “OUR SONG.” We listened to the lyrics over and over….and we (more like I) just knew it was perfect for us!
“My whole life has changed
Since you came in, I knew back then
You were that special one
I’m so in love, so deep in love”
Differences was one of many songs I couldn’t listen to for a couple of years because of “him.”
I still can’t believe it’s been 6 years since our relationship ended. I “met” him during Howard Homecoming weekend 2001. We talked for like 13 hours straight. I couldn’t believe I had found someone I clicked with from the start! When we first started hanging out, I wasn’t sure whether he was interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with me. Our first date was at “Maggiano’s.” I ended up spending the night at his house and he was the perfect gentleman. From the start, I always felt safe and secure with him, I didn’t think twice about spending the night with him.
I still had my doubts as to whether he was interested in me as more than a friend. Then it happened, the kiss. Things were never the same. Praise a Lord is what I was thinking when he finally kissed me. Later, we both admitted after the first kiss there was no doubt we would be together. I thought I was living in a fairytale. I never had to question his sincerity or whether he had ulterior motives. He was thoughtful, kind, honest, sincere, and ambitious. This man showered me with love and gifts. He was EVERYTHING I wanted in a man. I will admit, there were times I thought he was too good to be true. He was the kind of guy who called me just to see how my day was going, rub my feet after a long day at work, listened to me rant and rave about the crazy people I worked with, play stupid little tricks on me so he could see me pout, and buy me little gifts just because he wanted to see me smile.
One day he called and told me he had something waiting for me in his living room. I squealed in excitement, “What did you get me?” He wouldn’t say. When I got to the house, there was a white box in the living room. I opened the box and there was a BIG teddy bear inside. When he got home, he walked into a BIG hug from his very grateful girlfriend. When he came home from work he would always find me. I would usually be in the kitchen cooking something. He would slip his arms around my waste and kiss me on my neck and say “Hi baby, how was your day?” My friends noticed how my face would light up when he entered the room. I was in L O V E.
It wasn’t a one-sided relationship either. We both reciprocated what ever the other person gave. I would get home before he did and made sure his dinner was on the table. I would buy him greetings cards just because. There were times when he would come home stressed from work. I would hold him until he released what ever he was holding on to and then gave him time to himself. I even baked and decorated a cake for his birthday. It was a VERY ugly cake, but, he lied and told it was beautiful. Every morning I would call him and say “Baby, I love you and you make me very happy.”
For the most part, “we” didn’t have any drama. His mother was our favorite topic of discussion, right. We had disagreements about how she treated me. She always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for her son not because I was black (my ex is white), but because I was Jamaican. Even with our disagreement about his mother we did more loving and than fighting. We talked about getting married and having kids. We also talked about the what “ifs” all the time. What if I cheated on you? What if I got pregnant? and then it happened…I got pregnant. I cried when I found out I was pregnant, the tears weren’t tears of joy. We both were in the first year of graduate school and in the beginning of our careers. We hadn’t planned on having kids for another 8 years. Me getting pregnant was something we had already discussed and we made the decision to terminate the pregnancy.
We decided to have an at home abortion and he was at my side the entire time. I knew he had a BIG project to complete for school. Even though I was in pain I said “Baby, I want you to go work on your project, I’ll be fine in a couple of hours, but your project will still be due.” I thought if we could get past this, we could get past anything. I was only fooling myself. With me being hormonal from the pregnancy, I didn’t make life easy for him. We had an argument about one of our favorite topics, his mother, and two days later he broke up with me.
I felt like I was in a dream when he broke up with me. Everyone told me to give him some time and things would be back to normal again. That’s not what happened. He came over to collect the boxes of stuff he either left at my place or gave me while we were together. I asked him why he was doing “this” to us and if he loved me. He said “I NEVER LOVED YOU, EVERYTHING I DID FOR YOU I DID BECAUSE I WAS A NICE GUY.” My heart fell in to the pit of my stomach. I couldn’t and didn’t understand why the man of my dreams was trying to rip my heart out with his bare hands.
We went back and forth for two years and then one day I said “I cant do this anymore.” Every time I would get close to him, he would shut down on me. MY heart couldn’t take it anymore. I found out in between us going back and forth he had other “girlfriends.” He started dating someone a month after he broke up with me. He even got engaged to her. A year into their relationship she said “I can’t see myself with a WHITE man for the rest of her life.” WOW….the other girlfriend, couldn’t even use the word boyfriend and his name in the same sentence. DOUBLE WOW. I was the girlfriend that accepted him as is, I had no problem introducing him as my boyfriend. I didn’t see color when I was with him, I saw a man I was in-love with. BUT I was the one he sh*tted on multiple times. I had my suspicions as to why he treated me DIFFERENT. I even shared them with him. Of course he never admitted the “TRUTH” to me until 5 years after he broke up with me.
We met some of his friends in Dupont Circle for drinks. I got friendly with one of his friends and asked if she had anyone my “Ex” could date. Yes, I was trying to hook my ex up with someone else. After all, we were friends now. We all started having discussion about what he was looking for in a girlfriend. He turned to his friend and said “I had the perfect girlfriend,” “Really, where is she?” He turned and pointed to me. I said “He dumped me so.” That was the first time he admitted that I was the perfect girlfriend.
Six months later, he finally admitted why he broke up with me. “You were the perfect girlfriend, I wasn’t ready for what was happening at that time, and as a result I broke up with you. I wasn’t used to having someone reciprocate what I gave. If I found someone that treats me now how you treated me then, I would marry them.”
You would think I would have jumped out of my seat with joy. After all, he confirmed my suspicions. That wasn’t the case at all. I wasn’t in love with him anymore. I made the decision to stop loving him a long time ago. It’s sad, but it happens so often. You never know what you have until it’s gone. Most people won’t even admit that to themselves. You make your way through life and then you meet someone you think is “perfect.” Instead of going with the flow and enjoying the experience, some people get scared and run away with their tails between their legs. The people that run, don’t realize their actions until it’s too late, which is what happened in my situation. Maybe if he had taken the time to communicate how he felt we could be married with kids already. We definitely can’t change the past. The only thing we can do is learn from our mistakes and hope we don’t make the same mistakes again.
7 Comments so far...
Yesha
Says:
8 July 2008 at 11:04 am.
See this solidifies my thinking that (some) men, never want what’s good for them! He other girlfriends didn’t compare to you at all, but oh well…his loss…and I’m sure he realizes what he had with you, he won’t get with anyone else.
[Reply]
Devone
Says:
9 July 2008 at 7:54 am.
Looks like he just got wrapped up in the relationship and used the moms argument to get out of it all the way………was he showing signs that he wanted to break up with you in the first place?
Well like you said you live and learn and thats all you can do you know…….sad story though…..
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
July 9th, 2008 at 8:11 am
No, he wasn’t showing signs. As a matter of fact two weeks before we broke up. I got angry with him and stopped talking to him for a couple of days. He drove to my house in the middle of the night and knocked on my door. I was sleeping and didn’t hear him outside. He left the following note on my car, “Baby, I haven’t heard from you in a week, I’m worried, please call me, Love XXXX.” I sent him an e-mail the next morning letting him know I was ok, but I was still angry and didn’t want to be around him until I knew I was ready to talk. The last thing I wanted to do was say something I would regret later. He wrote me a VERY long e-mail telling me how in relationships, couples go through issues and so far we’ve been doing a really good job at dealing with our issues, how much he loved me, blah blah blah. Two weeks later he broke up with me. Which is why the break-up came as a shock to me. I dunno
[Reply]
nunya
Says:
9 July 2008 at 9:04 am.
wow… that too bad. But i guess it happens every day… its a hard thing to deal with… and i can say that and actually mean and understand what im saying.
i hope you find another man like himone day…. preferrable one who KNOWS what he wants and isnt afraid to speak on things that are buggin him.
[Reply]
Keyshia
Says:
9 July 2008 at 10:17 am.
Kinda makes you wish you could read minds, huh? Maybe you’d have seen it coming … although it might not have changed things, it might have made the blow easier. And, you could always have asked him way before he dumped you why he was considering doing it. Might have shocked him into actually being honest lol
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
July 9th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
Man if I could read minds, I would NEVER experience a broken heart. Then again, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I’m stronger and definitely more confident than ever! Because through all the questions I’ve asked myself, what I could have done different and it all comes back to the same answer…NOTHING…We planned a life together and I never thought our relationship would end the way it did. When he did leave me, I had to find the strength to pick myself up off the ground (literally) and press on with my life…and I made it…I’ve grown and I’ve become stronger as a result of him being weak…
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
July 9th, 2008 at 8:33 am
The crazy thing is, it took him 5 YEARS to admit to me what I’ve been saying all a long. Some men won’t even admit the truth. That pride won’t allow them to say “damn, I messed up.” I’ll give him 50% props for at least telling me the truth. It may have been too late, but at least I go to say “I TOLD YOU SO.”
[Reply]