21 August 2008
Being Safe vs. Following your Heart
Posted by
Shieka
under:
Open Discussions .
For the last couple of days, I’ve been helping a friend deal with some issues. Last night we talked about feeling safe and for the first time since my incident with Mr. Brown, I admitted I was scared ALOUD. I’ve written it before, but I don’t remember me saying it: “I’M SCARED” of getting hurt like that again. After I said it, I got goose bumps.
Without discussing the intimate details of my friend’s personal life, I was trying to help him understand how someone he loves could choose to be SAFE than follow their heart (which belongs to him) where there is uncertainty. As I described what I went through with Mr. Brown, I admitted that if I had to choose between being safe and following my heart…I think would choose to be safe. If I were able to follow my heart and feel safe at the same time, life would be spectacular. However, it doesn’t always work that way.
After talking to my friend for what it seems like forever, I asked if he had the opportunity to watch “The Notebook.” He said, no. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen one of the best love stories of all time! Allie one of the main characters left the security (SAFE) of her fiancé to follow her heart, which was with Noah. There was definitely uncertainty in Allie and Noah’s future, BUT they made it work. I remember watching the movie for the first time and saying, I would’ve done the EXACT same thing Allie did in the movie. The idea that someone could actually breathe life into my entire body and make me come alive on cue without much effort is something that got me excited. Now, I’m not sure if that’s the case.
Before I ask the open discussion question, I would like to clarify (just in case you don’t understand) what I mean by SAFE. To me being SAFE means, you know what’s going to happen at all times, never have to ask questions or worry about your heart being broken. Some may say that life can be boring; I say the only tears I want to shed are tears of joy.
I’m sure most of use would like a fairytale ending or even have or lives mimic “The Notebook” or better yet the lyrics to “Back at One” by Brian McKnight. Sweep me off my feet and we’ll live happily ever after like Allie and Noah…
Now that I’ve melted your heart (hopefully)….answer this question HONESTLY
Would you rather like to be safe or follow your heart where there is uncertainty?
PART II,
Watch the clip below:
Do you think enough people fight for their relationships like Noah tried to do in the clip?
9 Comments so far...
Keyshia
Says:
21 August 2008 at 8:34 am.
I think I’d go with being safe. My reasons being that I have been hurt before and I dont ever want to go through that again. For me, being safe doesnt necessarily mean that I know what’s going to happen. Instead, when I think about it, I see myself doing what I’ve been doing for the past few years … I go out with a guy, have a good time, laugh, etc, but at the back of my mind, Im always keenly aware of the fact that I could be hurt at any moment. He could leave me for my best friend or my sister or my enemy or angelina jolie. The most important thing is that I always have some sort of a virtual cushion I can fall back on if that ever happens.
In other words, the romantic in me is dead. Yes, I may do all the typical things that people do when they are supposed to be in love, but the truth is that I have never really loved anyone after my first boyfriend. The only 3 people in this world who have heard the words “I love you” from me are my parents and my bestfriend who also happens to be my cousin. I havent fallen in love with anyone since my first boyfriend and the saddest thing is that Im ok with that. I dont get anything more and I dont expect anything more. That equates to being safe for me and never getting hurt.
Now, who wants to give me their shrink’s contacts? Y’all must be thinking a few sessions might help!
[Reply]
Markell
Says:
21 August 2008 at 10:46 am.
Being safe sounds like living a lie…love is a tough game…sometimes you win and sometimes you lose..but at the end of the day…the winners are the folks not afraid to take risk and play one more time..even if it it means putting your heart on the line..again. I’d like to think the older we get, we’d get smarter about playing the game and not make the mistake we would when we were younger. However, a lot of us just don’t mature enough to learn from our mistakes and those of others…but I say this..I would have rathered loved and got hurt…then never have loved at all.
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
August 21st, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Well said Markell…I was waiting for someone to use the “I would have rather loved and got hurt…then never have loved at all” quote!
hmmm..I don’t think I would describe living SAFE as a lie. For Yashieka, right now…I would describe it as an alternative lifestyle:-). I think the SAFE folks would rather win at playing the love game than play Russian roulette with their hearts! Let’s be honest, once we get burned we’re never the same person again. Yes, we grow, become mature, and wiser about our relationships. I don’t think we have the same innocence had when we first started. As much as we say I want to do it again, each time we play, the love game and lose, a piece of us leaves with that person. For some people it may take being burned once, for other’s it may take a lifetime.
Like I said, we ALL want a fairytale ending, BUT, how many of us can be honest and say…GEE, I REALLY WISH I HAD A LOT MORE CERTAINTY WITH THIS LOVE GAME? IN OTHER WORDS, I WANT TO BE SAFE!
[Reply]
Keyshia Reply:
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:18 am
Both of you are right … it is true that one needs to give of themselves freely and completely when in love. My method isnt necessarily right, but it seems to work for me and I have been able to cushion myself from hurting like I did back then.
Maybe someday, I’ll finally get over myself and the whole situation enough to become that person.
I just cant bring myself to imagine that I could go through the same pain and tears and sleepless nights and etc!!!! If I was to use the same language as one of my friends does, I’d say “it hurt like a f**k” lol and i dont think it should.
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
August 22nd, 2008 at 8:56 pm
I don’t think you need to get over yourself. Maybe one day you’ll be able to forgive yourself for giving your heart to someone who may not have deserved you AND start trusting yourself and the decisions you make. That’s where I’m at now…LOVE doesn’t hurt…it’s PEOPLE that hurt us….
[Reply]
anon
Says:
21 August 2008 at 11:02 am.
I would hope more people in the world would want to get married to a person because they love them and they have no desire to share themselves with anyone else. Maybe I am a hopeless romantic but I would think that there needs to be a fire in the connection between a man and a woman that keeps them interested in each other through the years. But maybe practicality is the drivinig force between more relationships than I would believe.
[Reply]
Keyshia Reply:
August 22nd, 2008 at 3:29 am
You’re also right anon. You’re right on both of your comments:
1. More people should want to get married to the person they love.
2. Practicality is the driving force between more relationships that you’d believe.
It all depends on many factors … and I think one of the major ones is your upbringing and where you live. Take china for instance (Im not being racist), practicality is probably more important than love. Same goes for most countries in Asia and Africa. The fairy side of life and love is probably clearer if you live in Europe or the U.S.A. Practicality and logic are more important for some than others.
I’d like to think no method is bad as long as no one gets hurt and as long as both parties understands the method of operation. Im not advocating for forced marriages or anything tho’ lol But thats another post altogether for Yashieka and Yesha to tackle some other day lol
[Reply]
Yashieka Reply:
August 21st, 2008 at 9:26 am
*BIG HUG* I think what you’re experiencing happens to the best of us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you at all. I remember growing up and my father saying, “If you don’t listen, you will feel.” Although he was referring to me misbehaving, I believe what you’re experiencing is the same principal. I think after you got hurt the first time you learned that giving my heart to someone else might result in you getting hurt again. Hence, you protect yourself and your heart…YOU LISTEN to the voices that say…don’t give your heart again because you will FEEL the repercussions of a broken heart again. Oh, you know I understand! While you do understand what’s going on with you…I think you need to start working towards allowing someone else to love you. Easier said than done…but you have to start somewhere…
[Reply]
Keyshia Reply:
August 21st, 2008 at 10:13 am
True that. But at the same time, I think my situation is like when you get burnt the first time. You learn that fire can hurt, but that doesnt mean you’ll never use it again. Getting burnt may not necessarily be a good thing, but it does help you to grow some brain. I believe I was too naive before my first breakup … ignorance is bliss and whatnot … and after hurting so much, I learnt what it means to think logically and not emotionally. I always weigh the logical aspect of any situation before commiting myself to it.
For example, I know my weaknesses … if a guy walked up to me today and gave me a compliment which I obviously dont deserve, I loose any respect I may have had for that person. Dont get me wrong, I have no self esteem issues, but I also know my shortcomings - which is something i believe makes me a better person. That sort of thing is what Im referring to. It takes more than flattery for a guy to get to me. And it basically boils down to thinking before feeling and finding the logical solution to things instead of going emotional.
Simply put, I think (guess) I can survive a relationship with someone who’s personality fits the description of a guy who takes care of me and I do the same of him, but doesnt smother me or expect me to smother him. We both know what we feel for each other and although we take the time to show it, it doesnt have to consume every waking moment of our lives.
I think that may be the same way most men operate. *cringe*
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